Sithfeld: The Twi'lek
by meganphntmgrl
Summary: Darth Vader, Wilhuff Tarkin, Emperor Palpatine and Elaine Benes are just your average quartet of Imperials sweating the small stuff in a galaxy far, far away. Sounds simple until you add a Twilek girlfriend, Wookiee insults, and only 7 TIE fighters.


**SITHFELD: "THE TWILEK"**

(We open with Darth Vader's comedy act.)

VADER: Have you ever noticed how the Death Star's the size of a small moon, but it only has 7 TIE fighters?

(Audience laughs.)

VADER: I mean, seriously! You're in battle, linin' up to kick some Rebel butt… and you realize you're out of a TIE! Then whattya do? Blow out all the diodes in your left leg usin' the Force to pull it back?

(Audience laughs.)

VADER: I don't know about you, but I save the Force for special occasions. You don't use the Force to change the channel! You don't use the Force to open a can of pickles! You use the Force to choke underlings! That's what it's for!

(Freeze-frame on laughing audience. Logo appears.)

(Next scene: Vader and Tarkin are sitting at a diner. Both of them have cups of coffee. Throughout the dialogue, Vader is trying to figure out how to get the coffee through his mask.)

VADER: So how are things with Gloria?

TARKIN: Ehhh…

VADER: Trouble in paradise?

TARKIN: I'm having this problem…

VADER: What sort of problem?

TARKIN: Uh…

VADER: Tarkin….

TARKIN: Um, you're the problem.

VADER: What?

(Enter Elaine, who sits with them)

ELAINE: Hi guys.

VADER/TARKIN: Hi Elaine.

ELAINE: What's up?

VADER: (facetiously careful) Apparently I'm a damper on Wilhuff's sex life.

ELAINE: (staring at Tarkin) You have a sex life?

(Pause.)

ELAINE/VADER: Eeew.

TARKIN: It seems like every time I'm in a nice place, I'm in the zone… well… she gets this… breathing thing going… and I… yannow… I think of you. I can't help it!

(Darth Vader stares at Tarkin.)

VADER: You are a sad, lonely man, aren't you?

TARKIN: See? I knew you'd be like this if I told you.

ELAINE: I can't stand my co-worker.

TARKIN: What's wrong with your co-worker?

ELAINE: He's a Hutt.

TARKIN/VADER: (knowingly) Ooooohhhhhhh.

ELAINE: I don't know what to do! Grand Moff Peterman loves Hutts!

VADER: Force choke 'im.

ELAINE: Do you know how many weeks of vacation I'd lose for that?

(Vader gives up on his coffee and throws it over his shoulder. We hear a scream in the background, followed by a girl running by clutching her cheeks and screaming, "My face!" Vader watches her go.)

VADER: (shouting after her) Hey! Sorry!

(The girl runs back.)

GIRL: You ought to be ashamed! I bet this'll scar-

VADER: Sweetie, don 't worry if it does. You should see me in the morning.

GIRL: I'm a _model_! You just stole my livelihood!

VADER: Oh, well, if you have nothing to live for, then-

(He calmly makes a fist and strangles her with his mind. She collapses, dead. Darth Vader, Elaine, and Tarkin glance down at her body. Elaine looks up and raises a hand.)

ELAINE: Check please!

(Next scene: Inside Darth Vader's apartment. Vader is sitting on the couch, watching TV. Enter Tarkin. Vader gets up with a start.)

VADER: Hey! Gimme some warning next time! You're lucky I had my helmet on!

TARKIN: Gloria's out docking the ship.

VADER: So I finally get to meet the famous Gloria?

TARKIN: Don't do anything stupid, like at last year's Life Day party.

VADER: I personally thought that changing the vocabulator's setting to "Ethel Merman" was a witty and entertaining romp.

TARKIN: Until you decided to siphon that bourbon into your suit.

VADER: At least I would've died happy.

(Tarkin begins pacing.)

TARKIN: I'm so nervous… I gotta pee!

VADER: (points) Bathroom's that-a-way.

(Tarkin dashes off. Vader silently ticks off on his fingers: 3-2-1-)

TARKIN: (offscreen) HOW DO I USE THIS THING?

VADER: It plugs into the suit.

TARKIN: Well, that's great if you're a Kentucky-fried-lord-of-death-in-an-emergency-room-on-legs-

VADER: Don't make me destroy you!

TARKIN: (meek) Shutting up now.

VADER: (with a chuckle, to himself) How does Darth Vader go to the bathroom? Very carefully!

(Enter Gloria, a pretty Twi'lek girl.)

VADER: Hi! You must be Gloria. I'm Darth Vader, Lord of the Sith. (rises and shakes her hand)

GLORIA: I'm Gloria. It's nice to meet you at last Wilhuff's told me all about you.

VADER: Aww, jeez-

GLORIA: What is it?

VADER: You can't tell, but I'm blushing.

(The Emperor stumbles in. Vader looks embarassed.)

PALPATINE: Hey, Vader!

GLORIA: Who's this?

VADER: (not wanting to deal with this) Eh, Gloria, His Imperial Majesty Emperor Palpatine of the Galactic Empire. Palps, Gloria. She's Tarkin's girlfriend.

PALPATINE: Enchanté!

(He kisses Gloria's hand. She giggles.)

VADER: Uh, Palpatine, now isn't really the time-

PALPATINE: Just this once! I'll be back later! I've made a great-

VADER: -discovery, yada-yada-yada.

(He pushes Palpatine out.)

PALPATINE: Just remember- you heard it here first!

(Vader sighs. Quite loudly, in fact.)

VADER: The man has a new idea every week.

GLORIA: Oh.

(Silence, except for Vader's labored breathing. Whooooo-paaah. Whooo-paah. Gloria smiles at him. Vader adjusts the hook of his cape as if he's nervously loosening his tie.)

GLORIA: So you're in charge, huh?

VADER: Well, actually, the Emperor runs things around here, and I just-

GLORIA: Stand there menacingly?

VADER: Um, yeah.

GLORIA: Like a black pillar of truth…

VADER: I suppose you could say that.

GLORIA: (coming closer) Unafraid of everything…

VADER: What are you doing?

GLORIA: Let me see the man behind the mask, huh?

VADER: Uh… see, I'm actually- uh- a robot- and I have no-

(The droid swoops down and pulls off his helmet.)

VADER: (in his real voice) –face.

(Nevertheless, his breathing is still steady and heavy. Gloria comes closer.)

GLORIA: Oh, poor baby! Let mommy make it all better-

(Vader flees to the bathroom door and starts pounding on it.)

VADER: Wilhuff! She's going crazy! WILHUFF!

TARKIN: (bursting out) What?

VADER: (panting by now, points at Gloria) She's a maniac!

TARKIN: (pushing by) Come on, Gloria!

VADER: (looking upward) Helmet me!

(The droid plunks the helmet back on his head as Tarkin fights Gloria to the door and pushes her out with himself, leaving Vader alone, on his knees and panting.)

(Scenelet: In the car.)

TARKIN: What was that about?

GLORIA: What? I thought he was sexy!

(Scene: Elaine is in her office. Jabba the Hutt slinks up behind her.)

JABBA: Do mo ish tah goo glak do bo so moo tah, Elaine Benes? Ho-ho-ho!

(Elaine looks surprised, then annoyed.)

ELAINE: Jabba!

JABBA: Poo zah! Mee gochlak mah toh tee?

ELAINE: No, I am NOT having fun! Now would you go away, you big ugly slug?

(Unfortunately, Elaine's boss overheard.)

PETERMAN: Elaine!

ELAINE: (nervously) Yes, Grand Moff Peterman?

PETERMAN: I am shocked! Did I really hear you use such a foul slur?

ELAINE: What, big ug-

JABBA: Bloop doo keesto!

ELAINE: Did you just call me a racist?

PETERMAN: This has to be dealt with.

(Elaine smiles feebly.)

(Scene: The diner. Grand Moff Tarkin, Darth Vader, and Elaine are sitting together. Elaine and Tarkin both have sodas; Vader is quite glumly going without.)

ELAINE: Sensitivity training!

TARKIN: Sensitivity training?

ELAINE: I called Jabba the Hutt a big ugly slug and Peterman's put me in sensitivity training!

VADER: But Jabba the Hutt is a big ugly slug!

ELAINE: I calls 'em as I sees 'em! I mean, this is like punishing me for calling you (points at Tarkin) Skeletor! (to Vader) Or when I call you Robocrip!

VADER: (crosses arms) I'm not crippled. I'm differently abled.

TARKIN: And obviously Gloria sees something in you.

ELAINE: Oh?

TARKIN: I get outta the bathroom to find my girlfriend's tackled Lord Vader and is trying to kiss his nonexistent lips.

ELAINE: (giggling) Smooth, Darthie.

VADER: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Enter Palpatine.)

PALPATINE: Hey guys!

VADER/TARKIN/ELAINE: Hey, Palpatine.

PALPATINE: (rubbing his hands together as he sits down) You are looking at the proud owner of a brand-new fleet of TIE fighters.

TARKIN: A fleet? How many?

PALPATINE: Seven!

VADER: That's not a fleet, that's a-

ELAINE: A flock!

VADER: (miffed that Elaine thought of it first) Yeah. A flock.

TARKIN: And why?

PALPATINE: (shrugs) I dunno. Rent 'em out! This could be a whole new start for Galaxidious Industries.

TARKIN: (quiet) It happened again last night.

VADER: Not Gloria again!

TARKIN: I can't help it! It's crazy! I try to ignore it, but the breathing starts-

VADER: Well, what do you expect me to DO?

TARKIN: I don't know! BREATHE QUIETER?

VADER: AIR IS PUMPED IN AND OUT OF MY USELESS LUNGS BY A SYSTEM OF CYBERNETIC IMPLANTS! I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT!

PALPATINE: Tarkin, don't get mad at Lord Vader. How about I breathe heavily too so you come to think of it as a nice neutral action?

ELAINE: (rolls eyes) Oh, brother.

VADER: Master, it's sort of my trademark, with the breathing and all…

PALPATINE: (heaving) How's- THIS?

TARKIN: (collapsing into his arms) I'm screwed.

(Scenelet: Elaine checks in for sensitivity training. She sits down next to a particularly burly Wookiee, who grunts at her. Elaine smiles gingerly.)

ELAINE: Hi.

(Scenelet: Darth Vader is walking through a hangar on the way back to his apartment. He notices a row of beat-up TIE fighters and a sign that says CRAZY PALPY'S DISCOUNT CRAFTS- RENT AND SAVE! Vader shrugs and continues inside.)

(Scene: Tarkin's getting ready for a night with Gloria. He peeks around the corner from his bathroom to see the pretty Twi'lek girl laying on the bed in a skimpy nightie, smiling seductively. He smiles and jumps into bed next to her. They kiss.)

GLORIA: I love you

TARKIN: I love you too.

(Gloria snuggles closer, smiling contentedly.)

TARKIN: In the mood?

GLORIA: Ooohh…

(She nuzzles his cheek with a gentle moan, then giggles and blows in his ear. Tarkin smiles. The more excited Gloria gets, the more heavy and rhythmic her breathing becomes. Tarkin shuts his eyes; we hear his thoughts.)

TARKIN: (V.O.) Perfectly natural reaction, perfectly natural reaction…

(He glances downward. From Tarkin's POV, we see Gloria has- in his mind- become Palpatine.)

GLORIA-PALPATINE: What is it?

TARKIN: Uhh… I've gotta go!

(He runs out of the complex in his boxers.)

(Scene: Elaine is by now really bored and drooling on her notepad.)

PETERMAN: (offscreen) So, my fellow Imperials, remember- we can't oppress the galaxy if we're oppressing each other. Have a great day!

(Everybody starts to get up. The Wookiee gives Elaine a heavy pat to wake her up, then starts to leave. Elaine lets out a long moan of a very vocal yawn. Everybody else gasps.)

PETERMAN: Elaine!

ELAINE: What?

PETERMAN: Don't you look at me as if you're not aware of how you just insulted poor Miffle's mother's chastity!

(Everybody is giving Elaine an awful stare.)

ELAINE: Um...

(Scene: Vader, helmetless, is in his apartment, on the couch, watching TV and eating Lucky Charms. There's a knock on the door.)

VADER: (real voice) Just a minute…

(The machinery plunks the helmet on Vader's scabrous bald head as he rises to answer the door.)

VADER: Oh, hi, Grand Moff-

TARKIN: Where's Palpatine?

VADER: In his apartment, I think.

(Over Tarkin's shoulder, we and Vader see Palpatine tiptoeing out of his apartment. Tarkin turns to go and sees him.)

TARKIN: Palpatine!

VADER: (pulling door closed) I think perhaps I'd better stay inside…

(Scenelet: the hangar. Palpatine comes rushing in, looking for a TIE fighter. The rows are empty except for the last. He runs up to hijack it, only to find it already inhabited by Admiral Ackbar, who grins and flies it away. Palpatine falls back and shakes his fists in a fit of existential rage.)

PALPATINE: Why only seven?

(Tarkin comes rushing out. From his POV, we see him running at Palpatine. Freeze-frame on the Emperor's horrified face as Tarkin tackles him.)

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER MEGAN LERSETH 


End file.
